The Front Line

I suppose anxiety is just one of those things. I’ve had it for so long, I don’t know what it’s like to live without it. My anxiety is always there but there are some days worse than others as seems to be normal among sufferers.

I hate that word: “sufferers”. I don’t suffer with it – I have grown to enjoy it. It’s almost like having a best friend inside your head at all times giving you really fucked up advice. My usual conversations go something like this:

Me: “It’s such a beautiful day. I think I’ll go for a walk.”

Anxiety: “Well, you could go for a walk. But what if you get hit by a car? Your family would be devastated!”

Me: “Ok, then, I’ll go for a walk in the park away from the road.”

Anxiety: “Hmm, see that’s silly, too. What if there’s a big dog there and it attacks you? Or you step on a funnel web spider or a murderer grabs you?”

Me: “How about a drive? Is a drive ok with you?”

Anxiety: “There are so many idiots on the road, though. What if you have a fatal accident?”

Me: “Right. Can I sit in the backyard then?”

Anxiety: “Snakes and spiders, my friend. Snakes and spiders.”

Me: “Fucking hell. How about I go to mum’s house?”

Anxiety: “That requires both driving and walking. Honestly, it’s like you’re not even listening!”

Me: “Fine. I’ll stay home then. Fuck you.”

Anxiety: “Mate, do what you want, just don’t come crying to me when you die.”

Ditto for my son going to school (terror attack or paedophile), my husband going to work (armed hold up or massive car accident), flying (just God, no), work (imposter syndrome) and basically life in general.

It’s got to a stage now where I generally have it under control and I usually just laugh at the scenarios my brain creates for me. Life with anxiety is interesting, to say the absolute least; at worst it’s depressing and lonely, at its best it can be incredibly comical. And I can experience both ends of the spectrum multiple times in an average day which makes things fascinating.

You know what, though? If you can push passed the constant catastrophising of your own brain, you learn that everything you push yourself to do is worth doing well. I love wholeheartedly, speak what’s on my mind, laugh loudly and give generously. 

I am not my anxiety but my anxiety is me.